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托福写作批改开篇纠错全文主要观点

发布时间:2017-10-19 00:16:00 关注量:1059次

绕弯子:
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time.
Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

回答:With the development of science and technology, people’s living standard has been improving day by day. According to the family plan, one couple could have only one child. So child becomes the center of the whole family. Some of them are even spoiled. Therefore, I think it is better if the young adult could live independent from their parents as soon as possible.

解析:这个开头看似没有任何问题,但是仔细分析就会发现很多问题。首先,作者绕了个大弯才给出自己的观点。其次,观点是对原题目的抄写,改动的比较少。最后,开篇缺少引起下文的过渡句。更大的错误是这个开头更像是一个全文主要观点的一个分论点。

修改后:
As we all know, some young adults have the sense of independence in a special period so that they want to choose to live apart from their family, while others still choose to stay with parents in the family. Family can provide young adults a warm bay where he or she could turn to whenever any problems arise. However, considering the sound development of the young adult both mentally and physically, I think to live independently the earlier, the better. Independence is a lesson that each of us must face one day. The detailed reasons are listed below.